Escaping financial abuse: How Dana said ‘I deserve better’

Financial abuse is a form of family violence that is often overlooked or dismissed. It involves controlling or manipulating someone’s access to money or financial resources. MyBudget client Dana experienced years of financial abuse from her now ex-husband, and we‘ve recently sat down with her in our latest MyMoney MyStory podcast episode to talk through how she overcame this chapter of her life.

As Dana discusses, financial abuse can leave victims feeling trapped and powerless, feeling unable to leave their abuser or make decisions for themselves, extending their suffering and making it even harder to regain their independence. Financial abuse is recognised as a form of family violence in New Zealand and can occur in any relationship, regardless of age, gender or income. Sadly, financial abuse affects many people and often goes unrecognised until significant financial and emotional harm has already occurred.

But there is hope for those experiencing it. In this article, we share Dana’s journey of escaping financial abuse and how she came out the other side stronger than ever.

Understanding financial abuse and recognising the signs: Dana’s story

Financial abuse can take many different forms. In Dana’s case, she didn’t realise that her ex-husband’s behaviour was considered financial abuse. Victims often share bank accounts or finances with their partner, which made matters especially difficult for Dana.

Prior to meeting her abusive partner at the age of 19, she had worked hard, built up savings and was in a stable financial position. She married at 21 and later had a child. Dana became unable to work due to pregnancy complications, meaning the family relied on her partner’s income. However, the household income was disappearing, but not because of normal household expenses. It was being withdrawn from the bank account moments after it was deposited. Even when Dana waited at an ATM to withdraw money herself, it had already disappeared by the time she reached the machine.

Dana’s household expenses were not higher than the family’s income, yet she and her family couldn’t understand where the money was going.

“I let him have access to my savings and it was gone.”

To this day, she still doesn’t know exactly where the money was spent. She only knows that one day all of the savings had disappeared.

A pivotal moment came when Dana met a close friend for lunch. Wanting to save money, she deliberately chose the cheapest item on the menu. But when it came time to pay, she simply couldn’t afford it.

“This was our reunion lunch and she had to cover me because I was so broke.”

That was when her friend looked at her and said:

“You don’t need to live like this. You deserve better.”

Sometimes the words we need most come from the people who know us best.

Seeking financial help and support

It was her friend who encouraged her to contact MyBudget for guidance. Dana realised it was finally time to take action.

She told her husband:

“We’re going to MyBudget.”

Reflecting on that day, Dana said:

“I had made the appointment that day. I had less than $20, I put it in my car, made him get in the car with me, went to this appointment and we went through all of our finances.”

During that first appointment, the MyBudget consultant explained just how serious their financial situation had become. Significant changes would be needed if they were going to regain control of their finances and move forward.

Dana gave her husband an ultimatum. He could commit to working through a personalised budget with her, or their marriage would end.

“If you don’t do this with me, we’re done.”

He didn’t believe she was serious.

He refused to commit, and one month later they filed for divorce.

Rebuilding financial stability and confidence after leaving an abusive relationship

Dana knew what she had to do, but she also knew how difficult the road ahead would be.

“When I first joined, I was on the phone to the lady bawling my eyes out. She just sat there and I think she listened to me cry for a good 10 minutes.”

From there, Dana committed herself completely to rebuilding her finances. For the first year she lived on the bare essentials, following a strict budget that allowed her to gradually repay the debts that had accumulated in her name.

For anyone experiencing family violence, protecting yourself and your children will always come first. Rebuilding your finances takes time, but every small step helps create a more secure future.

Three years ago, Dana’s biggest goal was simply having enough money for nappies or fuel the following week.

Today, life looks very different.

“It’s so rewarding because I would have never imagined any of this.”

She and her family can now afford dream holidays, and she’s even planning to fulfil a lifelong passion by swimming with sharks in Western Australia.

Looking back, Dana says it wasn’t just the budgeting that changed her life.

“I’m grateful for all the people that have willed me on. When I didn’t have the will to go, they picked me up and kept me going. Total strangers that I’m talking to through a phone are going, ‘you’ve got this’.”

Today, Dana is thriving. She is in a happy relationship, has two beautiful children and is confidently working towards the future she once thought was impossible. Her story is a reminder that no matter how overwhelming financial abuse may feel, there is hope, support and a path forward.

Resources available for those experiencing financial abuse

If you’re experiencing financial abuse, it’s important to know that help is available. Financial abuse is a form of family violence, and there are free, confidential services across New Zealand that can provide practical support, financial guidance and legal advice. You don’t have to face it alone.

Women’s Refuge

Women’s Refuge provides 24/7 support for women and children experiencing family violence, including financial abuse. Their advocates can help with safety planning, emergency accommodation, protection orders, budgeting support and connecting you with other essential services. You can call their free Crisisline on 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) anytime.

Shine

Shine offers free, confidential support for anyone experiencing family violence, including financial abuse. Shine’s trained advocates can help you understand your options, develop a safety plan and connect you with legal, housing and financial support. Call the Shine Helpline on 0508 744 633 or use their online webchat service.

MoneyTalks Financial Mentors

MoneyTalks is New Zealand’s free financial mentoring service. If financial abuse has left you struggling with debt or money management, trained financial mentors can help you understand your options, create a plan and connect you with local support services. Call 0800 345 123, text 4029 or use the online chat service.

Community Law

Community Law provides free legal advice throughout New Zealand. If you’re experiencing financial abuse as part of a relationship or family violence situation, they can help you understand your legal rights, including property, debt, relationship and family law matters.

New Zealand Government family violence support

The New Zealand Government has information about recognising financial abuse, protecting yourself and accessing specialist support services. If you’re in immediate danger, call 111. For non-emergency family violence support, visit the government’s family violence information pages to find services in your area. New Zealand Government family violence support

Dana is just one of 130,000 people we’ve helped live their lives free from money worries. If you’re experiencing financial abuse from a significant other, there is help out there. In addition to the services listed above, MyBudget is always just a phone call away. To have a chat with our friendly staff, give us a call on 09 849 6285 or enquire online.